Forgiveness

It seems I’ve been looking for a lot of that lately - and rightfully so. When a person struggles against the quality of his actions and the consequences of the choices he made throughout his life, I suppose it’s natural to look to some other person or people to absolve you and to tell you it’s alright. But, you know. I am the only person who can give myself that peace.

As I read over that first piece I wrote about finding Mia. I find myself tempted to wipe it away. It was fairly harsh. I was hard on myself about the choices I’ve made and my absence from her life. But, just as I was awakened by meeting Mia – I was lifted by her mother. I wrote her an email praising her for the wonderful daughter she raised and asking her forgiveness. She assured me that no forgiveness was warranted. I’m not sure about that – but I realize now that it’s no longer about atonement or penance for my past. There is no way of knowing if things would have been better or worse if I had chosen a different path. But I know this: Mia is a force on this earth. Whatever combination of nurturing and genes she had was good and right. I give worlds of credit to her Mother and her Dad. But I also feel a bit of license to take credit for what I contributed to her, which at this point, is purely genetic.

There are a ton of absentee fathers out there – shitloads of them. And I’m pretty sure the majority of them have found a way to deny their responsibility or to suppress their longing for their children by telling themselves they took the only possible path. I did quite the opposite. I told myself over and over that I was scum, and I started to believe it. You see, this is where that ability to BE loved is actually just as significant as your ability to love. And when deep in your heart, you believe you are trash, it’s hard to accept someone’s love. So I fought that little battle for years. The conflict between telling myself I was special and worthy and telling myself I was garbage. And it is a cliché to say you cannot fully love another if you can’t love yourself. But I am a glaring example that, even if its cliché, that is the truth.

Since many of you read that first posting (and thank you, by the way for your words of congratulations and encouragement) I have spent a few fabulous hours with Mia. Can you imagine? After all those years - having this beautiful person look you in the eyes, reach for your hands and tell you, “You are forgiven. It’s all in the past. I love you.” Can you imagine sitting across the table from your grown child and being overwhelmed, not only with the feelings of love, but of pride in the enormously beautiful person she is? It is beyond comprehension, and it’s a feeling way beyond what I can put into words. I can only say – or write – that I am a crier, and I’m crying as I write this.

Also since that first posting I have found the source of that enormous heart – her mom.
She harbors no resentment for me. Actually, from what I can tell, she holds fond feelings. Not only for what we shared during our relationship, but also for the result of that relationship – which is this now legendary woman, our child - Mia. How can our union be anything but good when you realize what it created? Now, I don’t want to be so self-centered that I don’t realize how I must have caused her hurt when she was a young, 19-year-old, pregnant girl or when she was contemplating a life as a single mother. I do. And it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t think I need her forgiveness. I am sorry.

I also kneel in awe and appreciation for the man she calls Dad - a title I would never dream of taking. He took her in. He supported her and loved her. His support and influence also contributed to this beautiful person. Without his incredibly large heart and generosity, I may not be able to sit her and write all the glowing things I write about her and our future.

If you read this, I want to tell you how thankful I am for you and I’m thankful that Mia has you.

Any one who knows me knows that this is not the only person I have helped bring into this world. I have three beautiful girls in addition to Mia. They are still very young children. And this discovery is a wonderful gift for them as well. They are such strong and resilient souls. I look forward to watching them benefit from Mia’s very bright light, her warmth and her strength. I look forward to watching the life-long friendships that will form between them. And I cannot wait to sit across the table in awe of the adults they will become. Incredible women that I’m sure they will be – partially because of what they learn from Mia, but also what they learn from the sum of their experiences – the love they give, the love they receive, the mistakes they make, and those rare but enormous blessings that fall into their lives.

Just as Mia has fallen into mine.

I found her!

I found her.


Well, I didn’t really find her. I knew where she was all along. I knew the person that I helped create was living only a matter of minutes from me. But, for 22 years, I believed that she was better off – actually, I believed that we were better off without each other.

I should say that I do have some sense of guilt for the joy I’m experiencing – the feeling that I’ve stolen something, or at least taken something I don’t deserve. I try to suppress these feelings from time to time. When I can, I have an overwhelming sense of peace. But a cloud of regret still hangs over me.

I know she grew up happy. I know that her mother and the man who took on the role of her father gave her a wonderful, loving home. That is obvious in her confidence, the beauty that shines from inside her, and her incredible ability to love and be loved. It’s only through her example that I feel one step closer to knowing how to love others and love myself. My inability in those areas is something for another entry (or perhaps an entire book) but it’s obvious to me now why I’ve had such a tough time making others or myself happy.

Back to Mia, that’s her name. I think it’s a beautiful name and I take some pride in the fact that I helped name her. You see, I was there when she came into the world. But I was too lost or selfish or foolish to hold onto her. It’s odd how perspective can change everything. For so many years, I believed that meeting and starting a relationship with Mia’s mother was one of those points in my life when I came to a fork in the road and I chose the wrong direction. But now I realize that it was the right choice because she is now a part of this world. It’s impossible to know if she would be the same incredible person if I had been a part of her life. But I am so proud of who she is; so envious of those who got to see her, love her, scold her, feed her and care for her and I am so thankful that she’s given me a small opening, a little chance to know her.

The big question: Do I deserve it? Probably not. Why should someone who voluntarily forfeited the joy and responsibility of raising her get to reap the rewards of her company, or perhaps one day her love? Whether or not I deserve it, I will always let her know how much I treasure it. And I will strive to be a worthy and valuable addition to her life.

This is not the beginning, nor the end of this story. There are so many chapters, many that have already been written and many that I – I mean we – have yet to write. It is the story of a man who has stumbled through the last 43 years of his time on this earth, recklessly hurting others, recklessly hurting himself who is now humbled and awakened by his own child. A child he never knew. Thank you Mia!