I found her.
Well, I didn’t really find her. I knew where she was all along. I knew the person that I helped create was living only a matter of minutes from me. But, for 22 years, I believed that she was better off – actually, I believed that we were better off without each other.
I should say that I do have some sense of guilt for the joy I’m experiencing – the feeling that I’ve stolen something, or at least taken something I don’t deserve. I try to suppress these feelings from time to time. When I can, I have an overwhelming sense of peace. But a cloud of regret still hangs over me.
I know she grew up happy. I know that her mother and the man who took on the role of her father gave her a wonderful, loving home. That is obvious in her confidence, the beauty that shines from inside her, and her incredible ability to love and be loved. It’s only through her example that I feel one step closer to knowing how to love others and love myself. My inability in those areas is something for another entry (or perhaps an entire book) but it’s obvious to me now why I’ve had such a tough time making others or myself happy.
Back to Mia, that’s her name. I think it’s a beautiful name and I take some pride in the fact that I helped name her. You see, I was there when she came into the world. But I was too lost or selfish or foolish to hold onto her. It’s odd how perspective can change everything. For so many years, I believed that meeting and starting a relationship with Mia’s mother was one of those points in my life when I came to a fork in the road and I chose the wrong direction. But now I realize that it was the right choice because she is now a part of this world. It’s impossible to know if she would be the same incredible person if I had been a part of her life. But I am so proud of who she is; so envious of those who got to see her, love her, scold her, feed her and care for her and I am so thankful that she’s given me a small opening, a little chance to know her.
The big question: Do I deserve it? Probably not. Why should someone who voluntarily forfeited the joy and responsibility of raising her get to reap the rewards of her company, or perhaps one day her love? Whether or not I deserve it, I will always let her know how much I treasure it. And I will strive to be a worthy and valuable addition to her life.
This is not the beginning, nor the end of this story. There are so many chapters, many that have already been written and many that I – I mean we – have yet to write. It is the story of a man who has stumbled through the last 43 years of his time on this earth, recklessly hurting others, recklessly hurting himself who is now humbled and awakened by his own child. A child he never knew. Thank you Mia!
Well, I didn’t really find her. I knew where she was all along. I knew the person that I helped create was living only a matter of minutes from me. But, for 22 years, I believed that she was better off – actually, I believed that we were better off without each other.
I should say that I do have some sense of guilt for the joy I’m experiencing – the feeling that I’ve stolen something, or at least taken something I don’t deserve. I try to suppress these feelings from time to time. When I can, I have an overwhelming sense of peace. But a cloud of regret still hangs over me.
I know she grew up happy. I know that her mother and the man who took on the role of her father gave her a wonderful, loving home. That is obvious in her confidence, the beauty that shines from inside her, and her incredible ability to love and be loved. It’s only through her example that I feel one step closer to knowing how to love others and love myself. My inability in those areas is something for another entry (or perhaps an entire book) but it’s obvious to me now why I’ve had such a tough time making others or myself happy.
Back to Mia, that’s her name. I think it’s a beautiful name and I take some pride in the fact that I helped name her. You see, I was there when she came into the world. But I was too lost or selfish or foolish to hold onto her. It’s odd how perspective can change everything. For so many years, I believed that meeting and starting a relationship with Mia’s mother was one of those points in my life when I came to a fork in the road and I chose the wrong direction. But now I realize that it was the right choice because she is now a part of this world. It’s impossible to know if she would be the same incredible person if I had been a part of her life. But I am so proud of who she is; so envious of those who got to see her, love her, scold her, feed her and care for her and I am so thankful that she’s given me a small opening, a little chance to know her.
The big question: Do I deserve it? Probably not. Why should someone who voluntarily forfeited the joy and responsibility of raising her get to reap the rewards of her company, or perhaps one day her love? Whether or not I deserve it, I will always let her know how much I treasure it. And I will strive to be a worthy and valuable addition to her life.
This is not the beginning, nor the end of this story. There are so many chapters, many that have already been written and many that I – I mean we – have yet to write. It is the story of a man who has stumbled through the last 43 years of his time on this earth, recklessly hurting others, recklessly hurting himself who is now humbled and awakened by his own child. A child he never knew. Thank you Mia!
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